Teaching Emotional Regulation to Toddlers
Medically reviewed by Dr. Emily Torres, PhD, CCC-SLP · Pediatric Speech-Language Pathologist
Content reviewed against published NIH, Zero to Three, AAP guidelines
Last reviewed:
Behavioral development varies greatly from child to child. If you have noticed teaching emotional regulation to toddlers, here is what you need to know.
The short answer
Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and respond to emotions appropriately. Toddlers are just beginning to develop this skill, and it is not fully mature until the mid-20s. Your child is not choosing to be out of control - the brain regions responsible for regulation are literally still under construction. You are your child's external regulator until they develop internal skills.
Key takeaways
- Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and respond to emotions appropriately. Toddlers are just beginning to develop this skill, and it is not fully mature until the mid-20s. Your child is not choosing to be out of control - the brain regions responsible for regulation are literally still under construction. You are your child's external regulator until they develop internal skills.
- Usually normal when: Your toddler has big emotional reactions - this is developmentally expected
- Call your doctor if: Your child hurts themselves during emotional episodes
- Varies by age — see the age-by-age breakdown below
Parents everywhere have the same worry. You are doing the right thing by looking into it.
What Parents Should Know
According to NIH, Zero to Three, AAP guidelines, emotional regulation is the ability to manage and respond to emotions appropriately. Toddlers are just beginning to develop this skill, and it is not fully mature until the mid-20s. Your child is not choosing to be out of control - the brain regions responsible for regulation are literally still under construction. You are your child's external regulator until they develop internal skills. At 12-18 months, babies rely entirely on you to regulate their emotions. When they are upset, your calm presence and soothing voice teach their nervous system what regulation feels like. This is called co-regulation and is the foundation for all future emotional regulation. It is generally considered normal when your toddler has big emotional reactions - this is developmentally expected. However, you should contact your pediatrician promptly if your child hurts themselves during emotional episodes.
Normal vs. Concerning
By Age
What to expect by age
12-18 months
Babies rely entirely on you to regulate their emotions. When they are upset, your calm presence and soothing voice teach their nervous system what regulation feels like. This is called co-regulation and is the foundation for all future emotional regulation.
18-30 months
Toddlers begin to show early regulation strategies like looking away from something upsetting or seeking comfort from a caregiver. You can start naming emotions: "You are feeling frustrated because the block fell down." This builds emotional vocabulary.
2.5-4 years
Children can start learning simple coping strategies: taking deep breaths, counting to three, using words to express feelings. They still need significant adult support. Create a calm-down corner with soft items, books about feelings, and sensory tools.
4-5 years
Children become more capable of using strategies independently but still struggle during intense emotions. They can identify feelings in themselves and others. Practice regulation skills during calm moments so they are available during stressful ones.
What to Tell Your Pediatrician
- Describe when you first noticed teaching emotional regulation to toddlers and how it has changed over time.
- Note your baby's current age and which age-specific patterns you are seeing.
- Mention if your child seems stuck in emotional distress for very long periods.
- Mention if emotional outbursts are becoming more frequent and intense with age rather than improving.
- Let your doctor know if you have noticed any related concerns, such as changes in feeding, sleep, or movement patterns.
- Bring a list of any questions or observations you want to discuss at the appointment.
What Should You Do?
When to take action
- Your toddler has big emotional reactions - this is developmentally expected
- Your child needs your help to calm down
- Emotional regulation improves gradually over years, not weeks
- Some days are worse than others depending on tiredness and stress
- Your child seems stuck in emotional distress for very long periods
- Emotional outbursts are becoming more frequent and intense with age rather than improving
- Your child shows no interest in comfort during distress
- Emotional reactions seem extreme compared to peers
- Your child hurts themselves during emotional episodes
- You are struggling to remain calm and need support for yourself
What You Can Do at Home
- Keep track of when you notice teaching emotional regulation to toddlers — noting the time of day, duration, and any triggers can help your pediatrician.
- Remember that your toddler has big emotional reactions - this is developmentally expected — this is generally within the range of normal.
- At 12-18 months, focus on observation rather than intervention unless your pediatrician advises otherwise.
- Respond consistently and calmly to your baby's behavior. Maintain predictable daily routines.
- While monitoring at home, seek immediate care if your child hurts themselves during emotional episodes.
Related Conditions
Toddler Tantrums and Meltdowns
Tantrums are a completely normal and expected part of development, peaking between ages 1.5 and 3. They happen because the emotional centers of your toddler's brain are developing faster than the parts that control reasoning and impulse regulation. On average, toddlers have one tantrum per day, and each typically lasts 2-15 minutes.
Toddler Has Big Feelings and Intense Emotions
Some children experience emotions more intensely than others. This is a temperament trait, not a behavior problem. Children described as "spirited," "intense," or "highly sensitive" feel everything more deeply - joy, frustration, sadness, excitement. While this can be exhausting for parents, emotional intensity is not something to fix. It is something to guide and channel.
Self-Regulation Development Timeline for Toddlers
Self-regulation - the ability to manage emotions, attention, and behavior - develops gradually throughout childhood and is not complete until early adulthood. Expecting a toddler to self-regulate is like expecting them to drive a car: the equipment is not ready yet. Your calm, consistent presence serves as your child's external regulator until their internal systems come online, which happens in small increments over many years.
Building Emotional Intelligence in Toddlers
Emotional intelligence (EQ) - the ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions in yourself and others - begins developing in early childhood. You build your toddler's EQ every time you name their feelings, validate their experience, help them understand others' emotions, and model healthy emotional expression yourself. This is one of the most important gifts you can give your child.
Related Resources
Frequently asked questions
Is teaching emotional regulation to toddlers normal?
When should I call the doctor about teaching emotional regulation to toddlers?
When is teaching emotional regulation to toddlers normal?
What causes teaching emotional regulation to toddlers?
What should I mention to my pediatrician about teaching emotional regulation to toddlers?
Is teaching emotional regulation to toddlers normal at 12-18 months?
Is teaching emotional regulation to toddlers normal at 18-30 months?
Should I go to the ER for teaching emotional regulation to toddlers?
Does teaching emotional regulation to toddlers go away on its own?
References
- [1]Calkins SD, Hill A. Caregiver influences on emerging emotion regulation. In: Gross JJ, ed. Handbook of Emotion Regulation. Guilford Press; 2007. NIH
- [2]Zero to Three. Developing Self-Regulation in Young Children. Zero to Three
- [3]American Academy of Pediatrics. Emotional Development. HealthyChildren.org. AAP
Doctor Visit Checklist
Bring this checklist to your next pediatrician visit to discuss Teaching Emotional Regulation to Toddlers.
Things to mention
- Describe when you first noticed teaching emotional regulation to toddlers and how it has changed over time.
- Note your baby's current age and which age-specific patterns you are seeing.
- Mention if your child seems stuck in emotional distress for very long periods.
- Mention if emotional outbursts are becoming more frequent and intense with age rather than improving.
- Let your doctor know if you have noticed any related concerns, such as changes in feeding, sleep, or movement patterns.
- Bring a list of any questions or observations you want to discuss at the appointment.
Observations to share
- Your child seems stuck in emotional distress for very long periods
- Emotional outbursts are becoming more frequent and intense with age rather than improving
- Your child shows no interest in comfort during distress
Urgent signs to report immediately
- Your child hurts themselves during emotional episodes
- You are struggling to remain calm and need support for yourself
My notes
From ismybabyalright.com — free, evidence-based baby health guides
All content follows our editorial policy and is reviewed against published clinical guidelines.
2,705 evidence-based guides6 authoritative medical sources5 medical advisory board members
Related Resources
Bottom line
Most cases of teaching emotional regulation to toddlers are normal. Talk to your pediatrician if your child hurts themselves during emotional episodes.
Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, reach out to your pediatrician. Worrying about your baby means you care — that is a good thing.
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Related Behavior Concerns
Toddler Tantrums and Meltdowns
Tantrums are a completely normal and expected part of development, peaking between ages 1.5 and 3. They happen because the emotional centers of your toddler's brain are developing faster than the parts that control reasoning and impulse regulation. On average, toddlers have one tantrum per day, and each typically lasts 2-15 minutes.
Toddler Has Big Feelings and Intense Emotions
Some children experience emotions more intensely than others. This is a temperament trait, not a behavior problem. Children described as "spirited," "intense," or "highly sensitive" feel everything more deeply - joy, frustration, sadness, excitement. While this can be exhausting for parents, emotional intensity is not something to fix. It is something to guide and channel.
Self-Regulation Development Timeline for Toddlers
Self-regulation - the ability to manage emotions, attention, and behavior - develops gradually throughout childhood and is not complete until early adulthood. Expecting a toddler to self-regulate is like expecting them to drive a car: the equipment is not ready yet. Your calm, consistent presence serves as your child's external regulator until their internal systems come online, which happens in small increments over many years.
Building Emotional Intelligence in Toddlers
Emotional intelligence (EQ) - the ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions in yourself and others - begins developing in early childhood. You build your toddler's EQ every time you name their feelings, validate their experience, help them understand others' emotions, and model healthy emotional expression yourself. This is one of the most important gifts you can give your child.
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